Ok so it has to be said that there is a clear barrier between those who chose to make beautiful little snotty nosed, poo smelling bundles of joy & those who chose a life of booze & bad decisions over caring for someone who might wake up at 6am and demand chicken nuggets and a glass of milk like it’s a standard expectation.
But, i’d like to list a few valuable points for people who are currently raising mini humans- from a person who does not havet a mini human.
Firstly- if your kid is kicking off in a supermarket…
Never be afraid to tell the kid to pipe down. Honestly, we won’t judge you.
If the kid is throwing a wobbly, match him with a bigger wobbly. Show him who’s boss. There’s nothing worse than 3 year old Ethan throwing boxes of cereal across Isle 4 with his ma going “Please, darling. Don’t throw that, put it down like a good boy. Why are you so upset today?”
Like, Come on Karen, he is 3 years old. His only reason for being pissed off might just simply be that you won’t let him buy two different brands of coco pops from Tescos at 4 quid each. But you trying to reason with the fella about it like he’s suddenly going to agree with you and put one back and continue your shopping trip like the perfectly behaved little boy you thought he’d be before you had him is simply unrealistic. Tell him no! Pick him up and throw him over your shoulder if you have to. If need be then throw yourself on the floor and match his tantrum to show him you’re the boss. You’ve seen the advert.
Most people will just think you’re a total legend. & if 52 year old Julie who has raised her kids & forgotten how fucking hard it is, is watching you with a disapproving look… just simply remind her that raising mini control freaks is sometimes Impossible to do smoothly in public places and that sometimes meltdowns happen in Isle 5 just because he fucking feels like it -and not because you’re a bad parent.
2- Stop worrying about people judging you for going back to work after you birth another human.
YOU HAVE TO WORK.
Don’t feel guilty because 46 year old Liz chose to stay at home with her kid & take it to 52 play dates a week.
That isn’t the standard for everyone. We don’t live in the 50’s anymore. We have mortgages and bills to pay for & you remember that DFS sofa you brought on finance for your first flat back in 2006? Well the direct debits are still coming out monthly for that, sweetheart so sadly, sometimes you have to find childcare & go back to work but you know what- kids love it. They love you- of course. But they need a break from you as much as you need a break from them. & we miss your face in the office- your maternity replacement is properly shit. So get your arse back here & know that your childminder/ nursery is doing a fab job at caring for your kid whilst you provide for them. You’re strong- and everyone loves you for that. Just try to refrain from talking about your kid at all hours, because after all…we don’t have kids. So we don’t care all that much.
Lastly- every now and then. Get a babysitter!
Your parents for example- isn’t that what they’re for? We have agencies, galore. Find a good, reliable babysitter.
Because we remember the time you got in at 3 am with sick In your hair and the Portuguese fella attached to your right arm on that girls only holiday to Magaluf in 2001. And we want a little bit of that chick back every now and then. We understand that you can’t do this every weekend. But honestly, dinner parties where we talk about the funny things Ava said this week and that are done by 11pm really make us question where our mate has gone. And whilst we are so proud of you & all you’ve accomplished in recent years. We would like to see the slightly chunk’ier, ‘drunk you’ wobbling across the pub hall, completely shit faced whilst singing ‘mustang sally’ with mascara running down her face and a Disarano in her hand every now and then.
All this being said- we do actually understand that being a wife, parent and proper adult is really hard. & we know you’re trying your best. But- honestly, we are not judging you. We never thought you were perfect before you had kids, so nothing’s really changed.
We loved you then, and we love you now.
So calm down, chill out…pour yourself a glass of wine & give us a call. Because we miss you and we think you’re acing at life.