Making a mini human…

February 1, 2017 12:19 pm Published by

Some things you should know before you make a mini human.

Well, no one ever wrote a book right? (Actually, they did. Thousands of them…go into Waterstones, you’ll find them in the ‘over priced’ section.) Most of them will talk about the correct way to burp the thing and the importance of giving the kid your nipple to chew at until you wonder if it’s even still attached. But no one can ever really prepare you for the fact that your mind set has to change entirely.
No one can make you truly understand the brutal fact that children are basically mongrel like savages that will not only ruin your figure but all of your morals and values entirely.
Harsh right? It’s the brutal truth though. It’s the kind of truth that you’ll only admit to your best mate when you’re 6 glasses of wine down in your local on a ‘Girls night out’. It’s probably about 9.45 in the evening & your pre booked taxi is coming at 10 because you promised the baby sitter before hand that you’d by home by 10.30. This is the sort of time that these heart to hearts take place. However, the person you’re venting to about your ‘little bundle of perfection’ probably already has kids too so you can’t save them, it’s much too late. This is my way of trying to help those who don’t yet have a ‘mini dictator’ to care for & who are thinking about creating one.

I’m trying to help them to understand that nothing is ever as it seems because it’s all about the dream versing the reality. For example: The dream- Before people have children, they imagine that a few years down the line they will be sitting at the dinner table with the mini people and their beloved, whilst drinking wine & eating a home made dinner with Nina Simone playing in the background & talking about one an others days. Yes….Let’s all laugh together.
The reality- One kid will be throwing a tantrum in the conservatory whilst still sitting in the pants he peed in, purposely just to get your attention, he’s probably wearing one sock & smashing his head against your laminate flooring whilst the second child is using a red crayon to write her name on your brand new wall paper whilst wearing only your high heels and a chocolate stained vest. You don’t care about any of that though because at least they’ve left the kitchen for 5 minutes so you can enjoy your cold fish fingers straight from the baking tray without being asked questions like “What did daddy mean when he asked you if you took your tablet this morning?” Or “Why does daddy have balloons in his bed side draw.”
This is not such a problem, no? I’ll continue, The dream- You’ll imagine of how you’ll be able to answer all of their magical questions in the most motherly of ways; and that you won’t let them watch too much TV. Because after all, you’re still aspiring to be a second Mary Poppins at this point. Reality- You’ve nothing left to say to the little savage because she’s been the most vile little beast all morning and so sarcasm kicks in because it’s frowned upon to smack them for their curiosity. So when they say things like “I don’t want to watch this episode of Peppa pig! I want to watch the one where she is wearing the pink shoes!” You’ll find that the dreamed response of “Ok, sweetheart, if you ask nicely I’ll put it on for you.” Somehow becomes “Well I want a million pounds & a new car but we can’t all have what we want, can we?” And then you calm down and remind yourself that she’s only 5 & that it isn’t really such a problem to just change the cartoon & perhaps you need to just take a minute to quickly calm down by hiding in the pantry whilst stuffing down a kit Kat and holding the door shut. Because let’s face it, she heard the packet open from the other end of the house & wants in on this whole situation.

I know, I’m being dramatic. It will be fine, right? Let’s carry on then.
The dream- you’ll imagine sitting on a field with a blanket in the summer and eating the picnic you made which contains carrot sticks and taramasalata with cute little sandwiches. This of course will be in in the sunshine whilst sitting by the river at the park. Reality- You don’t want to eat the fecking sandwiches anymore than she does- it took that much effort to get it all plus the sprog into the car, and now you’ve finally reached the park- it’s about to get dark, it’s about to rain & you’re feeling guilty because you should of just listened to her when she said “I just want to stay home and colour.” But instead you forced her out for some ‘adult lead fun’ that she never wanted to take part in and now she’s throwing a tantrum because you forgot to bring her surice pink coat.
Great one. Lastly, you always thought you were good at sharing right? You’ll share everything with her. It’s no problem? Ha ha, No. You asked her at the restaurant 4 times if she wanted a burger like you, And she said “No, I want plain pasta” but now you’ve just stupidly put cheese on it and she didn’t want cheese on it so now the whole meal is a complete write off. She’s finally calmed down from her melt down & now she wants a little slice of your happiness by eating your burger. And although you let her, because after all what’s yours is hers. Let’s be honest, you resent her for it whilst you quietly eat shitting ‘plain pasta’.

Having said all of this- You wouldn’t change her for the world, because she is your world. She’s your heart, your soul & the magic ingredient in your life. She’s your reason. She has the ability to make your hair fall out but she also has the ability to make your smile the most beautiful thing you own. She is your best friend & in some ways she is your soul mate. She’s everything. And although you feel that you muck things up on a daily basis and that she’s the reason that you feel guilt at every hour of the day. She’s also the reason for your growing self pride & your reason to wake up each day. (Literally) And even though she drives you to complete insanity- she is the best thing you ever did. And she will be for evermore. And weirdly, the reality is far better than you ever imagined the dream to be.

So go on, do it. You won’t look back.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Categorised in: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

This post was written by Amy Willmott Willmott